關於老媽的莫非定律

◎Mothers
only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you
don't..
老媽只有在下列兩種狀況提出忠告，需要和不
需要的時候。

◎A mother's love
is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
和雞湯比起來，老媽的愛帶來的療效較高。然而，前者比較便宜。

◎Your mother is the only person that knows
more about you than you know about yourself.
老媽是唯一瞭解你比你瞭解自己還多的人。

◎Any time you are unable to solve a problem,
ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.
遇到無法解決的問題時，問問老媽吧。或許她也不知道答案，至少她會瞎掰。

◎Maternal instinct is stronger than any
force known except an IRS collection agent.
比任何力量都強大的母性只輸給查稅人員。

◎The more you try to stay on your mother's
good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
愈是努力想專注於老媽的善良面，愈難指出自己究竟看見哪一面。

◎The nicer a mother is, the greater the
probability that her kids are rotten.
母親愈偉大，孩子們是敗類的可能性就愈高。

◎If you can't remember whether or not you
called your mother, you didn't.
如果懷疑自己是否和老媽通過電話，表示沒有。

◎The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the
best advice she ever gave you.
你忽視的老媽的建議往往會變成她給過的最好一個。

◎If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you
don't repeat them.
如果你忘了，老媽將
會提醒你所有犯過的錯以免你重蹈覆轍。

◎Anything
you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.
老媽會批評所有你做過的事，那怕你什麼也沒做。

◎Never criticize your mother's cooking if
you expect to get any more of it.
千萬不要質疑老媽的廚藝，除非你想要成為試驗品。

◎If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember
who has changed your diapers.
認為自己擁有老媽所不知道的秘密時，請想想是誰幫你換尿布。

◎You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't
even try.
永遠別想脫離老媽的五指山。試都別試。

◎Never lie to your mother. And if you do,
never think you got away with it.
絕對不要對老媽說謊。如果說了就別想全身而退。

◎The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more
she resembles a webcam.
你愈是
想對老媽隱瞞某些事，她就會愈來愈像一台網路攝影機。

◎The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your
mother.
你年紀愈大，愈覺得自己像是老媽身邊的小
孩。

◎All mother's have a
"How To" manual. That's because they wrote the book.
每位母親都擁有一本「如何做」的指南，因為她們就是作者。

◎Mother's way is best. If you don't believe
it, ask her.
老媽的方法永遠是最好的。不信
的話，問問她吧。

◎Everything is a
good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn't.
每個想法都不賴，至少在被老媽知曉並告知哪裡不對之前是如此。

◎One mother is company, two is a psychic
reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.
一個老媽是公司，兩個則是超自然協會，三個以上可以開母姐會，若四人成行則能成立橋牌俱樂部。

◎If you don't have time to study the
drivers' manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher
course.
如果沒有時間閱讀道路安全手冊，載著老媽兜
風吧，然後你就能上一堂溫習的課程了。

◎When
you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you
wasted all your money on.
破產
的時候，向老媽借錢吧。她會幫你記起錢究竟浪費在哪些地方。

◎The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer
she will "save" it before she uses it.
你送給老媽的禮物愈貴，她將禮物「冰」起來的時間就愈久。

◎No matter how wrong you are, your mother
will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but
she will not hold it against you.
無論犯了什麼錯，老媽是不會拿這些事來攻擊你的。她不會傷害只是常常提醒。

◎No matter how much you eat, you can never
get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
無論你吃了多少，老媽依舊會不斷提供食物，對於胖的定義，她是很寬大的。

◎If a mother does not have an item, she
will have the recipe or the directions.
若有一件東西是老媽所沒有，她也會知道製作的秘訣或方向。

◎The more times mother reminds you to take
an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.
老媽提醒你帶傘的次數愈多，下雨的機會就愈高。

◎Accomplishments are made possible by your
mother - failures are your own fault.
成就或許是由老媽促成，失敗則一定是你的錯。

◎Never forget who rocked you as a baby.
That's something else you will never be able to repay her for.
千萬別忘了小的時候是誰搖你入睡。這是一件我們永遠也報答不了母親的事。

◎Mother can always tell you a better way to
do something after you've already done it.
完成某事之後，老媽總是會告訴你更好的辦法。

◎The longer it's been since you cleaned
house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
清理過的房子總會再變亂，而老媽在變亂前夕來訪的機會最高。

◎No matter how small your mom is, she will
always be bigger than you are.
老媽體格再瘦弱也永遠比你巨大。

◎The
more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it
is that she will try to give it to you.
愈討厭老媽所擁有的某項物品，她愈會試著把那樣物品給你。

◎If you do it yourself, mom could have done
it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
如果你做某事，老媽會做得比你好。如果老媽做了某事，表示你先前應該沒做好。

◎You never are as good as other people's
children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.
你永遠沒有別人的孩子好。你從來就沒有老媽想像得糟。

◎The only thing more accurate than a
mother's advice is her memory of the times you didn't take it.
唯一比老媽的忠告更精確的是—她記憶裡，妳不聽話的次數。

◎The funnier the joke is, the more likely
mom will think it is dirty.
愈
好笑的笑話被老媽認為下流的機會也愈高。

◎Never
tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
絕對別跟老媽說你無聊。她永遠找得到事情讓你做。

◎If the job of a mother is going smoothly,
she thinks she isn't doing it well.
如果老媽對某件工作愈來愈上手，她會認為自己做得不夠好。

◎There are always two sides to a story - the
way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
故事總有兩面—真實的過程及老媽記憶裡的一面。

◎Mothers always "know." We don't know how -
they just do.
老媽總是「無所不知」，我們不
知怎麼辦的時候，她們已經動手了。

◎You
can fool some people all of the time, and all the people some of the
time, but you can't fool Mum
你
可以愚弄部分的人直到永久，可以愚弄所有的人於一時，然而你就是沒辦法呼攏老媽。