所謂女人

網路閒晃時，無意間看到英文版，覺得有趣就順手翻譯出來。

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If you kiss
her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
如果親她，你與紳士二字無緣；
若是不親，你就不算男人。

If you praise
her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for
nothing
如果你讚美她，她認為那是謊言；
若是沉默，你就成了爛貨。

If you agree to
all her likes, she is abusing
If you don't, you are not
understanding
如果你愛她所喜歡，她說那是敷衍；
如果你不愛，她說你對她不了解。

If you make
romance, you are an 'experienced man'
If you don't you
are half a man
如果你製造浪漫，她就說你是「情場浪子」；
如果不做，你就只能算半個男人。

If you visit
her too often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't,
she accuses you of double crossing
如果你常常找她，她說你無聊；
若是不常常找她，她說你無情。

If you are well
dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't,
you are a dull boy
如果你會打扮，她說你是「花花公子」；

若是不重穿著，你就成了「街頭痞子」。

If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't ,
she thinks you do not love her
如果你嫉妒，她會說你不成熟；
若你不在意，她又認為愛已走。

If you attempt a
romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't,
she thinks you do not like her
如果你追求浪漫，她說你不懂尊重；
若你不做，她又認為你的愛已冷。

If you are a
minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late,
she says that's a girl's way
如果你遲到一分鐘，她對等待抱怨連連；

若是她遲到半小時，遲到即算女人專利。

If you visit another, she accuses you of
being a heel
If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are
girls'
如果你找死黨，她說你是「同性戀」；
若有朋友找她，「喔，沒什麼，我們是閨中密友」。

If you kiss her
once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her
too many, she yells that you are taking advantage
如果你偶爾親她，她說你很冷漠；

若是你常常親她，她又說你得寸進尺。

If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's
tactics
如果不牽著她的手過馬路，你算是喪盡天良；
如果你做了，她又覺得這男人圖謀不軌。

If you stare at
other, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others, she
says that they are just admiring
如果你多看別的女人一眼，她說你輕浮；

若是她被別的男人多瞧幾眼，她說那些人懂得欣賞。

If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen,
she wants you to talk
如果你開口，她希望你傾聽；
如果你傾聽，她盼望你開口。

Oh God! you
created those creature called "WOMAN'
So simple, yet
so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing,
yet so desirable
"O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN"

喔，上帝！你創造了所謂的「女人」！
看似簡單卻又複雜，
看似柔弱卻又強勢，
看似人格分裂卻又叫人愛不釋手。

「喔，上帝！請你指導我該怎麼做。阿門！」